Sorrow and Joy

1 The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners,[a] 2 to proclaim the year of the LORD’s favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, 3 and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes,
the oil of joy instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor.
Isaiah 61:1-3
 
Just finished Angie Smith's book "I Will Carry You" in which she shares her and her family's story through the diagnosis and loss of their daughter Audrey Caroline.  I couldn't put it down.  I cried, just letting the tears fall wherever they wanted.  I was moved.  Angie showed me things in God's Word that I never thought about before (the smell of Mary's hair after breaking the alabaster jar of perfume at Jesus' feet, that Mary and Martha didn't ask Jesus to heal their brother - they just trusted Him and more!).  The subtitle to this book is "The Sacred Dance of Grief and Joy".  What most surprised me was that I got in touch with my heart while I was reading this book.  Funny thing is that I didn't know I was out of touch with it!
 
Please don't hear what I'm not saying.  In no way do I compare what I'm about to share with the magnitude of loss that the Smith family and so many others experience.  So now I continue...
 
I think that we are meant to grieve many things throughout our lives.  Yes, actually grieving the loss of life is one way.  But I think we also are meant to grieve dashed dreams, unmet expectations, stages of our children's lives, new seasons in our relationships and so much more. 
 
What happened to me over this last weekend (yes, the long Thanksgiving weekend!) was that I was able to unplug and simply be with my family.  I wasn't "needed" any where else.  Focused on Jesus and my guys!  It was so wonderful.  I'm hopeful it will stay that way a bit longer (ok - a lot longer!).  But here's what I discovered:  finally, I was living in each moment, enjoying it, soaking it in.
 
There will be many changes at work.  One of them more than likely (yes, please join me in prayer that my assumption is false!) will be that my opportunity to work from home will be taken away.  I get the opportunity this week to do a trial run - have to go in every day this week.  So, today I've been ultra-sensitive and ready to cry at the drop of a hat.  What's up?
 
I'm grieving.  My loss is:

• My boys are getting older.  My oldest has asked to redecorate his room.  He announced that, "Cars is too babyish.  Mom, I want flames, fast cars and monster trucks on my walls."  (Do you know what a challenge it is to find that combination?!)  My wee one is talking up a storm saying big words, following along more intently in a book and more.  They aren't babies any more.  They are boys.  I know someday soon, they'll be men.  So I am grieving the loss of the stages my boys are in, as they are moving on and growing (which also brings great joy - see the turning mourning into joy.
• My time with them more than likely will be shortened so I can work.  The way I calculated it, it appears that if I go into the office each day, I will miss about 6 hours of time with my kids that I currently get.  This makes me so sad.  I want to scream.  I want to be on my own selfish little pity party about how this wasn't my dream, I wanted to be the one to stay home with my kids.  This isn't fair that the love of my life, my sweet and wonderful Scott, gets to be the one helping with homework, carting them to basketball practice, teaching them basic life skills every day. My heart is breaking.  How do I love them the way I want to love them or the way they want to be loved with so little time?  .  This hurts.  It hurt before, but I just "got over it".  Now I need healing! 

Thank you, Jesus for giving us pictures of what it looks like for you to take something sad and hurting and He brings about something beautiful, joyful - something that's healed.  So, Jesus - guess we're about to embark on another healing journey.  I look forward to the adventure: the scent, the sites (beauty), the feelings, the new clothes (of praise that is) and the roots that will continue to grow deeper as I trust Him more.  It will be good simply because He is good.